Monday started off like any other day: children laughing at the well, Malaria pills, and as always, that interesting cup of coffee with John and Jerome. We headed towards class… like normal. We got into our lines…like normal. i guess the only irregular thing at the beginning of the day was the class size. Clarissa had to go into town with Jerome for some things, so her class joined up with mine.
My first thought of this super-sized class was a little fear. Haha… but that quickly passed and the beginning of the day ran relatively smooth. We were all still smiling, and more importantly: the kids were paying attention and not bothering one another.
The kids were being really good. But it’s hard to give that many kids all the attention they need – especially with the now enlarged age gap (6yr-olds to 12-yr-olds). I was helping the kids with the math problems we had on the board, which looked a lot more like 9-12 kids encircling my chair, all trying to simultaneously show me their copy books. i got distracted…and a little overwhelmed…
The next thing i know, one of the kids was saying that Joshua and Merci were fighting. This whole concept of fighting isn’t completely foreign in our classroom, and usually revolves around a pencil, or one of the children writing the other’s name on their sheet of paper. It’s never too intense, but it is fighting, and that’s not exactly what we want to be allowing in school.
i stood up from my chair, parted the sea of children surrounding me, and started walking to break up what i thought was a routine tussle.
i put myself in-between the two and tried to calm them down. The next thing i know, Joshua is attacking me. He is 6, and i took the rebellion as if it was just a tantrum turned sour. He was scratching, pinching and biting me - whichever one, or all three of the options were available. i didn’t take a fond liking to this new form of affection, and Joshua and i went outside. i carried the 6 yr-old kicking, screaming, and fighting halfway between the school and the house.
He was freaking out.
i didn’t want to punish the kid. i mean don’t get me wrong, i didn’t like the fact that my neck was chicken-scratched, nor was i especially fond of the new tooth imprints on my shoulder, but the kid is 6.
So i plopped him down in the road. “Joshua, it’s ok. Calm down. i love you dude. Calm down.” i kept trying to relax him and ease a little of the screaming but nothing worked. It seemed as if the more I tried to give him a hug or tell him i wasn’t mad or i loved him – the louder he screamed and the more he fought.
So i tried giving him a little space for a minute. i sat him down, and walked away ten feet or so and sat down myself.
The screaming continued, but now it was becoming a slight bit fainter.
i thought the storm had started to die down, so after a couple of minutes i walked back over to him. “Joshua, it’s ok. i love you. Don’t worry. Everything’s ok.” i was trying to carefully coax him to calm down – scratching his back…speaking easy…
“Ok. Josh – it’s ok, i understand you’re upset, and that’s ok. i love you – i’m not mad - i don’t want to punish you. I don’t want to take you to Uncle Harris (the boy’s house father and acting disciplinarian). If you calm down, we can just go back to class.”
i made an attempt to pick him up and the screaming and fighting became worse than it was at the beginning. i put him back down, and told him i was going to count to 10 and then i wanted him to make a choice on what he wanted to do. If he told me he wanted to go back to class, we would go, but i wanted him to calm down enough to tell me.
Well i probably took 25 seconds counting…and there was no sign of the screaming ceasing. “Joshua, just tell me you want to go back and we can – but you have to calm down. What’s it going to be?” i waited, but there was no response – just continual screaming. “ok, i guess we’re going to Harris.” i picked him up, and the worst part of the fight was underway. He was flailing biting and scratching worse than before. He was biting me so hard, the gums above his teeth were bleeding. Marta and Ya came running from around the corner screaming. They were yelling at me to beat him. They watched me talk to him on the road, and they told me they didn’t know why i just didn’t punish him from the start. Ya grabbed him from me and started yelling at him for attacking me when i was trying to help him.
i was just standing there, stuck to that spot on the road, and I started to get the chills.
i suddenly was overtaken by guilt – “that’s what i do to God.” – was now the thought that had captured the entirety of my spectrum.
How often do i mess up or get into trouble, but in my independence, resist (kicking, screaming, and biting trying to get out of the mess on my own) the God who’s always right there to help. How often to i get into a bind, start scrambling, and force a throw only to end in an interception instead of just taking the sac. i know for me, its hard to admit when i’m wrong. It’s hard to admit i need help. It’s a hit to my pride for me to not be able to do it on my own - or admit when i’m struggling or need help. God just wants to help us, but we fight him off. He just wants to love us - to help us when we aren’t able to get it completely right.
The Lord will give you the bread you need
And the water for which you thirst.
No longer will your Teacher hide himself,
But with your own eyes you shall see your Teacher,
While from behind, a voice shall sound in your ears:
“This is the way; walk in it.”
when you would turn to the right or to the left.
- Isaiah 30: 20-21
“Jesus tapped me on the shoulder and said, ‘Bob, why are you resisting me?’ I said, ‘I’m not resisting you!’ He said, ‘You gonna follow me?’ I said, ‘I’ve never thought about that before!’ He said, ‘When you’re not following me, you’re resisting me.’ ”
- Bob Dylan
God is love - Love in its total and complete fulfillment. He loves us so much that he gives us free will – the will to do whatever we want. He gives us that choice, “Hey I’m here if you want me, but if you want your space you can have that too, just know I’m always here.” But how often do we actually submit to that Love that He gives us? How often do we take the chance that His way might be better than ours…how often do we remain unloved? i was thinking of all the times i’ve fought God and rejected his help. Kicking, screaming, biting….Hammering the nails into His hands that He spread out of love for us. But when we try to fix everything ourselves… When we rely on our own notions…When we don’t expand into the possibilities that maybe we don’t have the full spectrum of right and wrong, good or bad (we only have our own - in whichever incomplete and environmentally-triggered version we may have) … we are incapable of making the best decisions or judgments. We become incapable of reaching our potential if we are incapable of seeing our limitations on knowledge of “what is” or “is not”…
“Most birds are created to fly; for them, being grounded is a limitation within their ability to fly. Living unloved is a limitation; it is as if our wings were clipped, as if we were grounded – as if we lost our ability to fly.”
- The Shack
“An infinite God can give all of Himself to each of His Children. He does not distribute Himself that each may have a part, but to each one He gives all of Himself as fully as if there were no others.”
- A. W. Tozer
“Openness to Christ, who as the Redeemer of the world fully ‘reveals man to himself,’ can only be achieved through an ever more mature reference to the Father and his love. Although God ‘dwells in unapproachable light,’ he speaks to man by means of the whole of the universe: ‘Ever since the creation of the world his invisible nature, namely, his eternal power and deity, has been clearly perceived in the things that have been made.’ This indirect and imperfect knowledge, achieved by the intellect seeking God by means of creatures through the visible world, falls short of ‘vision of the Father.’…This ‘making known’ reveals God in the most profound mystery of his bein, one and three, surrounded by ‘unapproachable light.’ Nevertheless, through this ‘making known’ by Christ we know God above all in his relationship of love for man: in his ‘philanthropy.’ It is precisely here that ‘his invisible nature’ becomes in a special way ‘visible,’ incomparably more visible than through all the other ‘things that have been made’: it becomes visible in Christ and through Christ, through his actions and his words, and finally through his death on the cross and his resurrection.
In this way, in Christ and through Christ, God also becomes especially visible in his mercy; that is to say, there is emphasized that attribute of the divinity which the Old Testament, using various concepts and terms, already defined as ‘mercy’. Christ congers on the whole of the Old Testament tradition about God’s mercy a definitive meaning. Not only does he speak of it and explain it by the use of comparisons and parables, but above all he himself makes it incarnate and personifies it. He himself, in a certain sense, is mercy. To the person who sees it in him – and finds it in him – God becomes ‘visible’ in a particular way as the father ‘who is rich in mercy.’”
- Pope John Paul II
Its crazy – i can be standing in the middle of Liberia, midday i might add, and get the chills…
Through the incident with Joshua, i learned a lot about my lack of faith. i learned a lot about how hard it is for me to let go and let God. i learned a lot about my stumbling self, and how i need to let go of my independence and keep looking to him to help me find my way home.
“Well sometimes I miss a step
I stumble here and there
Well im finding my way home
If im lost then ill admit
Sometimes I plain forget,
But im finding my way home
And you can try and stand in my way
Say what you gonna say
But im finding my way home”
- Citizen Cope, “My Way Home”
i pray that WE may all continue to grow in faith. Faith is not a noun; faith is a verb. It is neither political nor social; Independent nor religion. It is a living, breathing, dialoguing relationship with God in Three persons. From this ongoing conversation, corresponding actions and submissive love are instinctively spurred from the realization of truths and importance.
Pray for understanding, patience, forgiveness, hope, joy, self-control, generosity, compassion, wisdom and love…for all of us!
Life, Love and Peace
uncle matthew
We live in Him, we walk in Him, we are in Him.
